There have been so many times where I have come to the end of what I can handle and thought about just giving up, either by ending my life or at the very least slipping back into my eating disorder - partly because I feel it will help me forget (which rationally I know won't happen), but mostly because I truly feel like it's what I deserve after everything that's happened. I won't go into details considering I have no idea who will stumble across this, but with everything that's happened I genuinely feel like everything was my fault and that I bought every event my way because of one thing or another and now I am too weak to handle how it feels. In regards to slipping into my eating disorder I feel like I truly deserve all the pain (both physical and psychological) and mental torture that comes along with it and I guess in a way I feel like slipping back into my eating disorder will be a slow suicide rather then the quick (though maybe not so painless) pill taking or wrist slitting. Therapy at this point has only done so much and really I don't feel any closer to working through the other events (not ED related that have lead to this point.
Yes, that is how personally feel, but stumbling across this photo made me think about what everyone has said about those situations who I've told. None of them believe that any of the events were my fault and even though I find that hard to believe I guess I need to try and start to because they can't all be wrong. In regards to therapy I also need to remember that the person I see isn't specialised in this area and her area of specialisation is eating disorders. I need to remember just how lucky I am to be under her care and having the level of trust that I have with her. Without that trust I would still be trying to deal with this on my own and having it inhibit my therapy sessions on my ED with her. With her having to know about those situations allows her to finally figure out a bit more why I think the way I do at the moment. Also without her help I wouldn't ever get to see a therapist who specialises in the area I'm struggling with. Currently with her help (she is doing all the organising since I don't think I could do it myself) I am starting to look into getting to see someone who specialises in this area while also continuing my sessions with her and hopefully fully heal from everything I've been dealing with.
I need to remember how far I've come from where I was this time last year (in a hospital bed) and even in regards to how I feel at the moment, the fact that I am still alive and managing to resist slipping back into my eating disorder shows that I am stronger then I think. I have the support of so many people and I should be grateful for that and also that I am currently finding treatment that can help me heal from the things I went through.
Yes, it will be hard but it won't be impossible to get back to the happiness I used to feel. I need to remember (as well as everyone that is reading this) that I am NOT a lost cause.
No comments:
Post a Comment